Friday, February 27, 2009

Dear Maury Povich,

I love your show, but I must admit, it's getting ridiculous.
Your show is extremely sexist.
The women on your show are NEVER at fault,
and it pisses me off.

First instance:
A woman thinks her man is cheating, and you hear her squawk her side of the story for five minutes.
Then the producers video tape the guy's side of the story, 
add some angry face shots, and brooding music,
and bam!
He's automatically an asshole.
"Let's bring him out!" you yell.
The accused man is then showered with boos and curse words
and ghetto ma's singing a chorus of
"OH GURRRLLL HE TRIFLIN' "
while walks down the steps to his seat.
His girlfriend yells at him, and berates him on national television.
That's degrading for men, and highly embarrassing, which I think they go hand in hand.
So when the guy tries to explain his side of the story, he's not allowed to talk, because the crowd volume is just too overwhelming.
The lie detector results are in.
Ok, so we find out he's cheating, so therefore he is an asshole,
but please, you had him crucified before he was even given trial.

Second instance:
This time, the wife/girlfriend is a cheater.
Is the guy onstage squawking his side of the story?
No.
The wife/girlfriend beat him to it.
The best defense is a good offence. 
She's onstage, crying to you, saying 
"I made a mistake, and I have to tell {insert man's name here} a secret."
She doesn't get booed at like the cheating man.
She maybe gets one shouted obscenity, and a few sympathy awes.
You bring the guy out onstage, and the crowd is quiet.
She tells him her secret, the guy is upset, and the show goes on as planned.
But because she told the guy that she's done something wrong,
she's not at fault.
She 'did the right thing' by telling him.
You even have an episode of 'controlling' men, who accuse their wives of cheating.
These guys are onstage, yelling about their wives, while they sit in a chair and bawl their eyes out. The crowd doesn't want any of his explanation, and they yell louder. 
Inside voices don't exist on your show, Maury.
Poor Sally, she'd never cheat on her controlling husband, she's obviously not capable of such a thing.
And before the lie detector results come in, you focus the man's attention to the tv behind you.
It's your wife, and she made a video confession. She came out about her wrong doing.
She has the last laugh.

Third instance:
This one pisses me off the most.
And I'm not making any of this up.
Here we have Shalonda.
She can't find her baby daddy.
I have no clue how many times she's been on your show,
but this time, she's 5,000% sure that the 17th guy she's getting tested is the father of her baby girl.
Spoiler Alert! He's not.
She ends up putting the search on hold, but ends up finding the daddy on a later episode.
But when women like Shalonda don't get it right by the first time, they run and cry to the back stage. You find them there, console them, and tell them you will find the father, no matter what it takes.
You don't make them feel bad for what they did, you just help them thru their baby momma drama.
JESUS.
COME ON.
SHALONDA HAD SEX WITH 17 MEN WITHIN A TWO WEEK SPAN.
HOLY SHIT.
Don't feel bad for Shalonda! Fuckin' tell her to keep her legs closed!
Don't find her baby's dad, put her through counseling. Rehab. Fuck, put her in an institution!

What I'm trying to say here, Maury, is
stop making women look like the victim on your show.
Be more like Steve Wilkos.
On his show, he really lets the bad guy, AND GIRL, have it.
He gets up in their faces, and yells till the veins in his forehead explode.
If they're a bad mother, he tell them straight up.
He doesn't sugar-coat anything.
Or, be more like Jerry Springer show.
Have every guest on that show automatically be an asshole.
Nobody gets a fair say on that show.
And they say it with fists, open palms, and Jerry Beads.

Anyway, Maury, grow a pair, and tell these ladies that they should have respect for themselves, and that they should just STFU when it's someone else's turn to speak.

Another thing, Maury,
your fat baby episodes make me equally as angry.
I know I don't have much room to talk, being a lard ass myself,
but holy shit.
These plus size moms cry and ask "Why is my baby overweight?"
But then they go into detail of what is on their toddler's plates, and what their favorite snacks are.
For breakfast: powdered donuts, waffles, french toast, and strips of bacon.
Lunch: 4 slices of pizza, french fries, and a pool of ketchup.
Snack: a whole ream of Oreo cookies, more donuts, ice cream sundaes, and candy.
Dinner: a mountain of spaghetti, 5 pillsbury biscuits, and 3 pieces of fried chicken.
And your three year old is obese why?
Then, you bring the fat babies out on stage, and you objectify them. 
You put them in exercise clothes. Oh, the irony.
Spandex pants and a sport's bra if the baby is a girl.
Swim trunks only if it's a boy.
This is makes me die laughing every time; when the baby walks to the stairs to the stage.
Your filmers put the camera low to the ground, and angle it up.
I like to call it the Godzilla Effect.
Then, to put the metaphorical cherry on this toddler's sundae,
you hand it a microphone.
You make it seem like it's a normal baby, who likes to sing and play like any 3 year old.
With microphone in hand, the baby incoherently mumbles out what could be
The Itsy Bitsy Spider.
The words just can't escape the fat baby's mammoth lips.
And we all clap.
And episodes later, when you recap the season, we get video postcard updates.
The crying mom and the obese baby are happy.
The voice over goes like this,
"Maury, we just wanna let you know we're doing great! He/she is dieting and exercise, and since your show 10 months ago, he/she has lost 5 pounds!"
Sounds like a success story, but during the voice over, you see the clips of the baby doing baby things. Only it's fatter than ever. It's busting out of it's swing set.
And I laugh.


Love,
Max.

1 comment:

  1. Um... yes, yes, and yes. I'm surprised i have little to add b/c you basically summed it up perfectly. Maury is an asshole who enjoys belittling men and making women out to be saints. Then on top of all of THIS, i hate that condescending handshake he gives all the men when they come on the stage.

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